{March 2014}

Somedays I feel like I am on a Roller Coaster ride from HELL! Living with and loving an addict is no easy task. Their minds have been distorted from their addictions and reality for them is altered in many ways. My husband was exposed to pornography at the age of 12 and his addiction kicked into gear around age 15. So he has been living in addiction for a VERY long time. For me I discovered his addiction 10 years ago, just a few years into our marriage. It has been such a roller coaster ride of ups, downs, and in-betweens. Just when I feel like I am doing good or even great, I am triggered by something and I am sucked right back into the pain, resentment, fear, etc... etc... I am learning I can't control triggers, they are going to happen and I have to deal with them when they do. My "tool box" of coping strategies really needs to grow, I hate feeling stuck. All day today I have felt so stuck in the pain and resentment of where our marriage and life currently is. I have been stuck in the injustice of my situation, I have been a loving, compassionate, forgiving wife, it sucks that we are back to this awful place. BUT I know that my Father in Heaven is always there for me, I know I can put this in hands. I have an unwavering testimony of the Plan of Salvation and I know that Christ suffered and died for me personally. He knows my pain, he has experienced it, and he is the only one capable of taking it from me. I have to turn this over to my higher power, I have to focus on me, I can't control my husbands acting out or his recovery. All I can do is live in the moment, find joy in the journey, and pray for better tomorrow's.